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JONAH LIVES (2012): Review…I Suggest A Slight Title Change…

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Jonah Lives – 2012

After playing some 2 on 2 football (yes, 2 on 2 football) and some poker, what else are six young adults going to do at night, hole up in their Mom’s basement?  Hell no!  They’re gonna try and summon up any spirits they can get a grasp on by playing with a Ouija board, of course!  Hey, they do that well, because Jonah arises from the grave to slaughter those that conjured him, as well as seek revenge on the one that killed him.

I was excited about this film because the Jonah character looked pretty cool on the box art.  However, I was quickly disappointed that on the film he looked like a half-assed sculpted brown turd.  There are no color tones, rotten flesh highlights, nothing!  The movie should have been called “Shitman Lives“, ’cause that’s what the makeup looked like.

This film is not good folks…the dialogue is horrendous, the acting even worse, and then there is of course Brinke Stevens… Who, you ask? Exactly… Check please!

From bad lighting and sound to poor camera setups, this film has some major issues; there are flaws in all of it.  I love low-budget horror fare, but ones that have some sort of competence behind and in front of the camera…this one lacks both.

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Jonah, A.K.A. Shitman

You have a zombie type-character that looks like Shitman walking around killing people. Though he is slower than Romero’s original zombies in Night Of The Living Dead, he is still able to catch these stupid fuckin’ characters and kill them.  One guy falls down as Shitman is coming after him, and instead of getting up to run, he crawls… crawls, no twisted ankle, no skinned knee, no injury what-so-ever, but he decides to crawl.  Now, if Shitman was coming after me at the speed of a turtle with two broken legs, I would at least stand up and quickly walk away from him, but no, that’s too smart.

Every ounce of worthless dialogue spewed from these characters mouths seems forced, and is certainly not the way people talk, even if your family all sound like rejects from Jersey Shore.

There is plenty of blood in this one though, however, where the hell does it come from?  I saw no wounds, scratches, or even a splinter in sight; if there was, I must have dozed off during that one shot.

I can’t recommend Shitman Lives, because frankly there is nothing here worth recommending.  It’s not even to the point “it’s so bad it’s good” that we all know and love in the indie horror scene.  This one is just plan bad.

 

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Chad Armstrong

President/Co-Owner at LC Films
Chad Armstrong is a writer/producer/director who was born and raised in Long Beach CA. In 2009 he relocated to Alabama where he founded LeglessCorpse, a site dedicated to independent horror films, and soon after created the indie horror distribution company LeglessCorpse Films (currently known as LC Films). Not only is he co-owner of LeglessCorpse.com and LC Films he is also President of the newly formed Back Aisle Video label. Chad's most recent feature film is Deimosimine, and currently in development on the feature film Blood Dancers 2: Full Moon.

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