In my last anthology review I mentioned that I dug them because the filmmakers get three chances to get at least on entry right, or the chance to entertain you. When that happens you don’t completely feel as though that the 90 minutes or so was wasted. There is the rare occasion when all the entries are good, Tale From The Darkside The Movie, Creepshow 1 and 2, and Dead On Appraisal are some rare examples of this. But it is even more rare for a filmmaker (or filmmakers) to fuck up all three, even the wrap-around story. CREEPING CRAWLING accomplishes this rarity in a blaze of glory. Three tries to create a comprehensive and entertaining story and co-directors/writers Jon Russell Cring and Tracy Nochole Cring eludes any entertainment value at all.
“Grubbery”, the first entry is about a female model, Denver (played horribly by Sarah von Ouhl) who is obsessed with being thin, of course she’s a model right? Denver resorts to the extreme of ordering and digesting a tapeworm to help her weight loss. Well of course the tapeworm gets out of hand and the end result is Denver on her hands and knees in the bathtub as her boyfriend rips the worm out of her rectum. The funny thing is the boyfriend is cussing at the tapeworm as he pulls it out like he’s in a bar fight or something. This segment is about 30 minutes in length and 27 minutes of it should have been trimmed, as too not bore one to death. Absolutely nothing of interest happens in the 27 minutes, besides some banter, and horrible acting. Oh wait, Denver learns she is pregnant by a psychic. How does she respond to this accusation of being knocked-up by the psychic? By stating “I’m not pregnant I have a tapeworm”, which everyone would spatter out to a complete stranger, let alone take a whack-job psychic seriously about someone being pregnant.
“Rid” is the middle segment featuring a home nurse Dari (Anna Shields), who gets a job caring for Timothy. Timothy is a young man who has suffered a spinal injury, is paralyzed and his brain only works to the capacity of keeping his vitals working. Timothy can’t talk, move, etc, etc. After caring for him for a few days Dari creepily falls in love with him. There is absolutely no character development to explain this relationship. Just one night she climbs in bed with him and snuggles up, well after she realizes her bed is infested with fleas, yes FLEAS, aggghhhhh fleas. Scary stuff folks. She can’t escape the monstrous fleas that easy, they are also in Tim’s bed too. What? Nooo! She begins spraying bug poison which brings ol’ Tim conscious for a few moments. Now as she puts two and two together, Dari has a plan. She’s off to the store to buy a bunch of weird stuff, stuff she doesn’t even use (why buy a chain cutter?). The store scene is uncomfortable to watch and I felt a little embarrassed for Shields during this scene. The over-acting here is one of the worst performances I have ever seen. The performance reminded me of a special needs patient that gets to finally go on a field trip to the mall and spend that special five dollar bill they have been holding onto for three years. You have to see it to understand what I’m trying to describe. After she cleans up her bib and spends her five dollar bill she returns to Timothy’s room, puts up some plastic in the doorway, puts on a gasmask (that she removes seconds later so there is really no reason putting it on in the first place, except for “it looks cool” in this shit sandwich that someone calls cinematography), and begins to double fist spray bug poison around the room. Catatonic Tim, suddenly snaps out of it and they begin to start making out. But guess what is really happening, they are both inhaling poison and fall to the floor dead… Finally thank God that one is over.
The last segment “Bugger” was the only segment that even had a chance of being good, but it crashes as soon as the main character makes a makeshift fleshlight out of a jar filled with worms and fucks it.
I love movies that are out there, strange, gross, or just plan fucking nuts. But the filmmakers have to cross that line and go “all in”, take me way beyond what I have seen before, go for the gross out dammit. You cant have someone pulling a tapeworm out of someone’s ass and not show it in it’s entirety. A long piece of latex rolled up with some blood on it and showing it in quick cuts is not going to get me to gross out status, just give me a good laugh. You got to go all in! Put some animatronics in that worm, make it wiggle, slither, come alive with a bloody ass explosion or something. Don’t tease me, waste my time, and not make the pay off, well, pay off.
This movie could have been astonishing. All this movie needed is a different script, a different title, better actors, and new directors and it could have been just that. Instead, like the tapeworm itself, it just sucked ass. If you are reading this review and are taking it personal, don’t. This is just my personal opinion and I say what I feel. If you want to read a good review of this film, search the net I’m sure the directors have reviewer friends out there.
Nothing to see here folks, move along.
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CREEPING CRAWLING 2012 – Don’t Quit Your Day Job
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