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CONJOINED (2013): Review…Unapologetically Awkward

conjoined
Conjoined – 2013

Wow. It’s not often that I’m left speechless but… Conjoined is a really tough one to review.

Conjoined is about Alina, a beautiful young woman who moves in with her internet boyfriend Stanley… but when she does, there is a surprise: she’s a Siamese twin conjoined to Alisa, a psychopathic murderer sister. (Talk about a Catfish!) After Alisa murders a series of suitors, Alina and Stanley know they must do something to stop Alisa before she gets both of the twins incarcerated.

Now, on paper, this is everything that I love in a B- horror movie. Gore, schlocky one-liners, horrible special effects. But Conjoined, for me, is like that kid we all went to school with who just tried way too hard to be funny, and wound up being really awkward instead. And that’s what this movie is: awkward. Totally awkward! To me, this was so much of a swing and a miss that it made me uncomfortable. It was self-reflexive in the wrong way—it reveled in what it thinks is funny but is just… not that good. I can’t even tell you how much it breaks my heart to say this because I wanted to like this movie so much.

conjoined4That being said, I think there is an audience for this movie, and I think that audience is drunk and/or stoned college kids. If you go into it with an open mind (and perhaps, somewhat intoxicated) you may really enjoy this film. Just be aware that the acting is bad, the writing is bad, the Halloween-store-plastic-body-part props are bad—it’s all bad. But, as we all know, sometimes bad is amazing in horror, and I know there are people out there who would walk away from this movie loving it because it’s so terrible. The movie is totally (and unapologetically) a lowbrow mess. But if that is your thing, you’ll love Conjoined.

 

 

 

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Goth weirdo living in LA. Lit geek, horror aficionado, and USC football diehard. Lover of fine wine, good whiskey, and all things bacon. One of my life goals is to die extravagantly in a horror movie so... ya know, hook me up!

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