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ONE MILLION AC/DC (1969): Retro Review…A Forgotten (*cough*) “Treasure”

one_million_ac/dc
One Million AC/DC – 1969

I don’t understand why anyone would ever watch a porno, except to see people having sex. Really, has there ever been anybody who watched a porno flick for the acting (which doesn’t exist)? The cinematography (which doesn’t exist)? The cinematic craft (which—you get the idea)? No. People always skip ahead to the sex scenes, cut to the money shot. Nobody watches a porno for its threadbare attempt at a storyline. I honestly don’t know why they even bother with that stuff, unless it’s to pad out the length of the production. A video of nothing but sex would suffice for the folks looking for that kind of entertainment. I mean, I’m just guessing, here, since I’ve never actually watched a skin flick personally. But it seems obvious. (Y’all believe me, right?)

I also don’t get soft-core porn. Why water it down? A softie is going to garner the same X rating as a hardcore; it wouldn’t be any easier to market. If you’re gonna do it, why not go all the way with it? What’s with all the “simulated” sex, the writhing and groaning of naked bodies without penetration, or, if there IS penetration, you don’t show it? Why all this beating around the bush? (Sorry. Had to.) It’s pointless, isn’t it?

shyness
Awww….he’s shy…

The point I’M building up to is, there is absolutely no reason whatsoever why you or anyone else should bother watching ONE MILLION AC/DC. It’s soft-core, and at no point do Angus Young or his bandmates make an appearance. The production values, if the film can be said to have any at all, are wretched. The ATTEMPTS at acting are cringeworthy. There is no storyline, period. It’s just men and women dressed—or rather UNdressed—as cave people, pretending to have sex. It isn’t even sexy, which is the one principal requirement for a porno, be it soft or hard. It’s as bad as anything you’ll ever watch.

Why, then, am I mentioning it here, and why am I doing what I am about to do, which is recommend it to you? I’ve got one word for you. Or two words, actually. Ed Wood. ONE MILLION AC/DC, you see, is a “lost” Ed Wood classic. (None of y’all are seriously gonna tell me you don’t know who Ed Wood is, are you?) Sadly Ed did not direct this one, else it would have been a lot more entertaining. He wrote the screenplay, albeit under a pseudonym, which is a good indication that he wasn’t particularly proud of this work. Wood hated that he had to work in porn to make a living those last few years of his life. But he had to eat, and porno producers were the only ones willing to write him a check.

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“HEY!! Watch that hand, Buster!”

Even if he was just phoning it in, though—the movie possesses none of that wonderfully quirky, completely un-duplicate-able, trademark Wood dialogue—even if he was ashamed of the effort, Wood couldn’t resist putting a LITTLE of himself into the script, a little flourish to let us know he was the guy hiding behind the curtain. The one and only reason to watch ONE MILLION AC/DC is the dinosaur.

Yes, our horny cavemen and women are menaced by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Only the beast is SO obviously a child’s toy (for the distant shots) and a hand-puppet (for the close-ups). When it eats one of the cave persons, it is SO obviously munching on a doll, a Barbie’s legs sticking out of the puppet’s mouth. Combined with the screams of the “actors” and the growl effects, it’s as ludicrous and hilarious as anything ever committed to celluloid. It’s vintage Ed Wood. It’s as good as the pie tin flying saucers in PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE. And by “good” I mean wonderfully, gloriously bad.

I wholeheartedly recommend ONE MILLION AC/DC, then. I also recommend you fast-forward through all the naked, writhing cave people to get to the dinosaur segments. It will greatly shorten the length of the film for you—but in this case that’s a good thing. Trust me on this one.

 

 

 

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The Cheezman

Big Kahuna at Evil Cheez Productions
WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS, specializing in dramatic works, haunted attractions, etc. He has written, produced and directed over a dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and True Crime genres. He is a staff writer for the websites darkness.com, vampires.com, werewolves.com, topcomics.com and zombies.org. Visit him at www.evilcheezproductions.blogspot.com or facebook.com/evilcheezproductions/. Just make sure you call first, so he can chain up the hellhounds. "Here's ta' swimmin' with bowlegged wimmen!"

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