A note of warning: please do not read any further if you have delicate sensibilities. If you are uncomfortable with words such as fuck, shit, pussy, slut, etc., this is neither the review nor film for you. Scavenger Killers was one of the most vulgar, vile movies I have ever seen so I thought it would be appropriate if I gave it a correspondingly vulgar review. So here it fuckin’ goes.

Scavenger Killers is a terrible movie about a slutty lawyer and an oversexed judge who murder people. That’s all you need to know. There are subplots about the agents who are looking for them, but really, the movie is about the skanky lawyer and the gross horny judge going on a killing spree. This movie is just fucking awful. Scavenger Killers is so bad—the painful thing is that it’s trying to be bad, but it fails at being B-movie bad/good because it’s just terrible. It tries to be campy, but it comes across as goofy and contrived. It’s just not good.

The two main characters themselves are not at all interesting or compelling. In the press materials, they are billed as a modern day Bonnie and Clyde, but they are NOTHING even close to the infamous pair! Every time we see them, they are either fucking or killing people. They are supposed to be highly educated but whoever wrote the script clearly wasn’t keeping that in mind, because they sound like simpletons. They are idiots! Sorry, but don’t try to sell me an esteemed judge that can barely string together a sentence. The two leads, Rachael Robbins and Robert Bogue, are horribly unconvincing actors who are continually glass-eyed and one-dimensional. Nothing nuanced or commendable about their performances whatsoever.

The whole movie is in unabashedly poor taste. There is a particularly disturbing sex scene in which there is a weird flashback to the lawyer as a young girl (dressed in a creepily over-sexualized outfit) sticking her hand in a velvet bag positioned in a very specific location on her father’s lap. As the lawyer is being fucked, the judge says something like “Okay, I get it, your dad fingered your pussy” as he shoves his finger in his mouth. Gross. It takes a lot of offend me—and I mean A LOT—but making such a disgusting, poorly written joke about pedophilia… that pretty much did it for me. This joke—like most of the movie—is all shock value and NO substance.

Also, why the fuck is this movie happening? Like, really—why? The lawyer and the judge seem to be in good standing so, uh, why did they decide to, ya know, start mass murdering? It’s really possible that I missed something, because this movie was SO un-fucking-watchable I’m sure I zoned out more than once. But really, if these are both respected professionals, why do they keep a list of the people they’ve killed on a dry erase board in the judge’s office? I just don’t understand why this movie exists. I don’t get it. I don’t understand the plot, I don’t understand the choices, I. Just. Do. Not. GET. IT.

I could write more about this film, but it’s not worth talking about, so I’ll keep this review short and to the point—which is, by the way, something that Scavenger Killers is not, at a yawn-inducing poorly paced 100 minute run time. It’s terrible. It’s crass. It’s proof that somehow you can manage to be simultaneously offensive and boring. It is such a waste of time. Scavenger Killers is not worth a watch—trust me on this one.

Scavenger Killers is available on DVD from Midnight Releasing.